I used to think that my chosen super power would be the ability to fly. Convenience aside, what a kick it would be to literally see the world from the perspective of Google Earth. I won’t even go into the power of spitting on people from above. But I’ve been re-thinking my super power selection lately and decided that, instead of flight, I might want to focus on the ability to be in two places at the same time. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this when my kids were little — it would have made dashing between viola and ballet performances so much easier.
Saturday is one of those days when being in more than one place at a time would come in unusually handy. If you live in Columbia and you’ve been out of bed this week, you know that USC plays the University of Florida in football tomorrow. Florida is ranked #1 in the country and they have this Tim Tebow Jesus figure QB who evidently has the ability to make grown men throw their panties at him. So despite the fact that, as Bonnie says, “we’re going to get our asses handed to us tomorrow,” (to which her Dad replies, “well, yeah, with that kind of attitude”), our family of sports fans (and recognize, please, that by sports fans I mean anything between people who obsess over sports and people who merely tolerate it for the tailgating) will be attending this game. All day. Because that is how football works. Far more hours are spent in preparation for the event than in attending the event itself. It’s like a wedding that way, except at the end of a wedding most people go home happy and drunk — with football you just go home drunk.
I used to make fun of families who engaged in this kind of addictive behavior, yet here we are. I take responsibility for it, though. I knew it was a slippery slope when Annie came to USC and I suggested that we tailgate for one of her college games. Though not a big recreational drug user, I can only imagine that Carolina football is something like crack or crystal meth. Do it once, then you find yourself doing it again, and again — hating yourself and going broke in the process with nothing to show but lost hours of your life and the empty shell of a fan. Go Cocks.
But if I could be in two places at one time tomorrow, I could go to the game and blah, blah, blah, but I could also do so many other things, starting with an interview I’ve been trying to get set up with Andie MacDowell all week. After that I could go to An Argentine Affair at 7 pm at the Big Apple, participate in their silent auction — ask anybody, I am a silent auction animal — and possibly win that awesome satirical portrait of our much beloved governor painted by Alejandro Garcia, or that Stephen Chesley watercolor, or a funky coffee table by Art and Iron, or any of the many items donated by Swiftwater Beads, Hip-wa-zee, Bert Easter, and others — and I would know that my spontaneously spent cash would be going to support one of the most important groups in our state, the South Carolina Progressive Network. When that closes down at 9 pm, I could then go over the river to New Brooklyn Tavern and, starting at 8:30, see Columbia Alternacirque open up for Confederate Fagg, quaff a few suds, and watch the parade. What an amazing day half of me would have!
But just because I have to load up the van on Saturday morning doesn’t mean that everyone else will. Go have yourself some big fun at the Big Apple — tickets are $25 for a single and $40 for a couple and can be reserved by calling 803.808.3384. Then when you’re done, if you don’t know how to get to NBT, just follow the trail of cigarette smoke and awesomeness.
If on the way over you get spat upon from above, don’t look at me — I’ll still be at the game.
The Reluctant Writer: Something Else to do When I Should Be Writing 
